I’m at a loss for words…

Im at a loss for words. Yet my heart races to speak. 

 

My mouth wont move, yet I serve lip service all day long. 

I want to share, but where to begin? 

Do I start form the beginning?

Hash out the details one more time?

 

Im at a loss for words, yet my heart races to speak.

 

How do I deliver my message? What if I forget?

Who do I share with that will want to hear my story?

Is my story fact or fiction? I lived it, right?

I have the scares and smiles to prove I was there. 

 

Im at a loss for words, yet my heart races to speak. 

 

I look at their faces, breath in, 

only to be left with a puzzled feeling inside. 

What if I tell the story wrong? What if I leave out the hope?

Will my words still matter?

 

Im at a loss for words, yet my heart races to speak. 

 

Has it been too long? Will I even know how to speak?

I have never felt like this before. 

Never lost my words, I’ve always had something to say. 

Who am I without words? Am I still me?

 

I’m at a loss for words, yet my heart races to speak.

 

So much has happened, I could fill this whole hour.

It would be filled with facts from my brain.

That would help right?

What about the language of the heart?

 

I’m at a loss for words, yet my heart races to speak.

 

The language of the heart speaks without words. 

Do I remember how? My heart remembers, I can feel it beat. 

I don’t need to remember; my heart remembers for me. 

Because in my heart, is God, love and spoke words. 

 

I’m at a loss for words and my heart has spoken. 

 

This is how I feel after coming out of a darkness of stress and accomplishment. It’s not that what was happening around me was bad, because it wasn’t. I also didn’t handle it badly, all the time anyway. Yet, I’m out of habits for things I know are good for me and will help me. If I was going to change anything about how my last 6 months has gone, I would say I would want to have been more prepared for knowing what I was getting myself into. 

 

Isn’t that funny to think though? I wanted to know the end, so I learn from it before I experienced the beginning and middle. I have never walked through a first-time experience until the first time and I’m so damn greedy that I want the gift of knowing, without first living.

 

This defect of greed has followed me for as long as I can remember. Its only accomplishment is it keeps me from living in my “new knowing”, because I am constantly living in my “I wish I would have knowns”. 

 

I used to say that the language of the heart is the universal language that unites us all. I forgot that I knew that. Today, one day at a time, I remember…

 

Ashley B.

Reborn 2-27-01

And again 12-19-19

 

 

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