I royally suck at having faith,  apparently. 

Over the years I have discovered that my prayers have changed. Maybe because I’m more trusting of God or maybe because I have seen enough loss in every way that I get that I have no idea what is going to happen. At the end of most prayers lately it ends with “I’ll praise You if we win and I’ll praise You if we loose”. I know full well that I want to win, it’s in my DNA to win. Haha however I know that loss is just as important. The drive to be sure that everything is going to happen the way I want is exhausting. 

I was reminded last night of the simplest of prayers. Get up in the morning and say “whatever” and when I go to bed at night I say “enough” basically taking all of my input out and getting out of Gods way. Because any input I give is going to be based on my immature idea of God. 

When I closed my eyes to meditate this morning (which I have not done in some time and I pretty much sucked at it, but it’s in the effort right?) I felt completely out of control. I chuckled a little because somehow I believe that if my eyes are open I will know what’s coming so I can be tense with anticipation. How does that even makes sense? What if I made efforts to stay relaxed if the hits come? Rubber flexes more then concrete. That is my goal. And I suck at it. I suppose that means that I have a lot of room to improve. 

Basicly I am learning that yes, God I trust you when my eyes are open and I can see what is coming, but not when my eyes are closed. I suppose trust is when my eyes are open and faith is when my eyes are closed. 

A new day dawns and I have a chance to trust and have faith that God simply is and He cares enough about me that if he had a fridge in heaven my picture would be on it. 

 

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