Great events have come to pass….

A gap in the human go where the divine slips in. That moment. When I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that things are being set in motion are not by my doing. More times then I can count in the last 2 months I have heard “this never happens.” To many things are happening for it to not be the everlasting grace of God. Please don’t think that for one second I am saying that because I get this, that or the other and you don’t that some how God isn’t extending grace to you. We don’t know the end of your story yet and this isn’t the end of mine either.

Many times in the last 7 years I have been bracing, hiding, begging for the pain and turmoil to stop. Thinking that some how I knew better then God that I knew what was good for me and what wasn’t. Not to sound like I’m blaming God. He was the one that carried much of the way. Life happens. Loving God and being sober does not mean life stops happening and it’s always happy and good. What it does mean is that I have been given the tools to praise God when the storms come and praise God when the storms clear. My husband and I sign papers tomorrow for our home. The home our boys will remember. The home they will bring there sweet hearts to. A fire place to take prom pictures in front of. A home my husband and I can watch our boys grow into men. My heart is filled with gratitude because this wasn’t supposed to happen for us now. We are supposed to carry a scar of a lost home. A scar of the pain of loosening our daughter and never seeing any blessings from that loss. She blesses us still today.

Today these scars have faded. I have a much deeper depth in my soul today because of the pain I have walked through and survived. I owe a debt to the friends of bill w. that I will never be able to repay. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

“Take away my difficulties. That victory over them may bear witness to those I may help of your power, your love and your way of life,” step 3 prayer BB pg 63.

God graced me with the ability to walk through my difficulties not to benefit me. But to benefit you. To demonstrate his glory and love for his children. Not my ego. Although I take credit from time to time and end up falling on my face, usually in front of a lot of people.

Today I am believing that Gods can open doors that no man can shut and he shuts door that no man can open. Some where in revelations

If he has brought us this far then he’s not going to leave my family and I now.

  

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I royally suck at having faith,  apparently. 

Over the years I have discovered that my prayers have changed. Maybe because I’m more trusting of God or maybe because I have seen enough loss in every way that I get that I have no idea what is going to happen. At the end of most prayers lately it ends with “I’ll praise You if we win and I’ll praise You if we loose”. I know full well that I want to win, it’s in my DNA to win. Haha however I know that loss is just as important. The drive to be sure that everything is going to happen the way I want is exhausting. 

I was reminded last night of the simplest of prayers. Get up in the morning and say “whatever” and when I go to bed at night I say “enough” basically taking all of my input out and getting out of Gods way. Because any input I give is going to be based on my immature idea of God. 

When I closed my eyes to meditate this morning (which I have not done in some time and I pretty much sucked at it, but it’s in the effort right?) I felt completely out of control. I chuckled a little because somehow I believe that if my eyes are open I will know what’s coming so I can be tense with anticipation. How does that even makes sense? What if I made efforts to stay relaxed if the hits come? Rubber flexes more then concrete. That is my goal. And I suck at it. I suppose that means that I have a lot of room to improve. 

Basicly I am learning that yes, God I trust you when my eyes are open and I can see what is coming, but not when my eyes are closed. I suppose trust is when my eyes are open and faith is when my eyes are closed. 

A new day dawns and I have a chance to trust and have faith that God simply is and He cares enough about me that if he had a fridge in heaven my picture would be on it.