Today is the day we lost our little girl

Today I woke up with an ache in my gut. I wasn’t sure why.  Until I looked at the date. Then I knew.

Today was the day Danica Grace Bell “went to be with God” as the Doctor said. I remember laying in bed. It was hot and Abe was in the woods with his brother Jonah. I woke up in the night, which isn’t abnormal because when Abe is away I don’t sleep well. But on this night I woke up an felt different and I remember thinking I wonder if she was gone. Can’t explain it. I just felt, different.

At the time and having been walking through this experience in what felt like a worst nightmare in slow motion for the last 34 weeks I think of few times in my life that felt so heavy and intentional.

When I pull the pregnancy test from the bathroom I think the first words out of my mouth were “holy shit!” and then Abe and I hugged and he went to work. Being pregnancy was always very hard on my body. I was not really a happy pregnant person. I was in pain a lot. I was sick a lot. I was hormonal.

The day we were to find out the sex of the baby was the day everything changed. I was in the ultrasound chair and I remember the tech being very cautious about what was happening. She got up eventually after 45 mins of measuring and noting different things. And the Dr coming in doing some of the same things. Finally the Doctor said “im sorry im sure you are wondering what it happening and we needed to be sure. There are some problems with the baby.”

SLAM! the wind gone from my lungs. The walls closed in on my brain. I wasn’t all that sure what was happening. There was something wrong with the baby and there was nothing I could do. Through a series of tests we found out that she had a very rare chromosome disorder call Tryplodi. It is where the baby has 3 full sets of chromosomes.

There was so much that happened emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally for me in the loosing and lose of a baby. It deepen me in a way I wasnt all that sure I needed deepening.  I was sitting in a meeting the next day and shared about what was happening. A lady spoke after me and said “Ashley everyone of Gods kids needs a parent. and this one choose you” And in that moment sitting in the small room surrounded by people that loved me I knew. Right then, I knew this is one of those “… great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the great fact for us” Alcoholics Anonymous Pg 164. I had always thought of the word great as happy. I had no idea that it was also meant in other ways.

For me today I realize I lived. I lived through that kind of full body ache that comes from deep with in the soul where me and God meet. Everything I had walked through up to that moment equip me with the ability to walk through that. It took everything I had to not run screaming from the room. My husband Abram was the same. I think we both had things that left by our selves would not have walked through as well or connected. We both had things the other needed. My son Nathan I think was one thing that kept us both grounded. He was 2 at the time and needed lots of love and he got it.

I’m grateful I get to be a sober parent that has a God and depth about my soul today that I can not imagine living without. Im blessed beyond belief to have two beautiful boys and a daughter in heaven. Her life task was to fight for us down here and she needed us to get her there. And we did. I don’t feel cheated. I trust that no matter what happened then that Gods on the job. I think I’m quicker to thinking my kids are going to die unusually early because of that situation. Dear GOD i hope not. But that is every parents nightmare. So i know I’m not alone.

My name is Ashley, I have lost a baby and I stayed sober and present through the whole entire thing. I regret nothing from that time in my life. I’m blessed to have gotten to be an excellent momma to three babies. And I give my self permission that not everyone deserves to have such tender information. “do not cast your pearls before swine” the bible says some where and I don’t unless the moment has felt right.

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This was the last trip we took with us as a whole family. Redwoods National Park. God Bless her and I look to see her in heaven some day.

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5 thoughts on “Today is the day we lost our little girl

  1. I love you. Had it not been for Danika I do not believe we would have the relationship we have. What are the chances that I randomly meet, in another state, a childhood friend of my husband’s. Then to be pregnant at the same time. If you had not shared your story with me I would not have known what to do when our unborn child recieved the same diagnosis, miles & miles away in Wyoming. You were the 3rd person I called after my husband and mother. You showed me how to live life those few months like nobody else could. Not only that but doing so sober. You probably don’t know this but I think of her often. I thought of her the day I found out we were falsly diagnosed. It was the day before thanksgiving. I was so joyous for our son but riddled with guilt for you and your family. After working closely with my sponsor and lots of talks with God I accepted that it was ok to feel both happy & sad. I realized that Danika played the star roll in our journey together. I will forever be grateful for that precious angel. She gave me the gift of a beautiful friendship that can not really be put into words. The closeness & bond I feel when with y’all is indescribable. May you rest in peace precious angel, thank you for sharing your family with us. We love you all

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    • Clairey thank yuk very much for your oh so kind words.
      I think of the day we met often. And am grateful to have been apart of that divine moment.
      I did not know I was your 3rd call the day you got the diagnosis. I’m honored. I remember sitting down in my garden. It was warm that day and listening to you share your heart broke mine. I’m glad you listened to your friend and got a second opinion. Tanner is blessed to have you two in his life.

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  2. Thanks for sharing your heart! I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter but glad she has you as a mommy! I love the quote at the top of your page that you realize you are “falling together” and not apart…Love this, as I feel like I’m falling apart quite a bit 😉

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