Entitlement is sneaky

Recently I have made a decision to take a break from Facebook on my phone. The last time I did this was because I couldn’t stand all the political adds coming through. Today I just took a look at my kids and decided they are more important then all the endless amounts of news feed stories.

Being a stay at home mom and having an addictive personality sometimes doesn’t serve me very well. When ever I sit down out comes my phone and swipe away. My strong willed 17month old has taken to walking up and grabbing my hand, smacking my phone out of the way and pulling me to what ever he would like me to go or see.

Which got me thinking about what kinds of things have changed sense I put down the news feed?
First off my house is not any more clean, damn it! We do not have fancy meals. My dogs are not walked any more then they were before. What has changed? Its subtle.
My youngest son David is very strong willed. He will no doubt be a strong powerful force in the world. Today he is a force to be reckoned with. Sense putting down my phone his tantrums are less? I’m less reactive to them. Strange, maybe? Maybe not.
My oldest son is more engaged with me and his brother. Sure he stills gets angry when his 4 foot high tower is knocked over in 2.9 seconds. But we talk it out. And now I hear him repeating to him self, “its ok it can always be rebuilt”
There are many many other things I’m sure that have changed. This post is not meant to add guilt, shame or ever try an get you to put your phone down. We as human beings do not need anymore of that shit in our lives. This post is to call out my own entitlement. Its the same pattern I used when I was drinking. I am so ………. fill in the blank, I DESERVE this. That kind of language gets me in trouble every time. But that was my thinking, kids go away I need a break. I need rest. I need this that or the other thing. That principle is so so so true. I DO need those things.
When I was in therapy a few years ago my therapist would talk to me all the time about being. She said you can be busy and be at the same time, I’m thinking that’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard. She continued, She said its whats driving the boat. I agree with that today. I read this morning
Meditations for women who do to much By Anne Wilson Schaef
Aug, 19 Its not what I do, its the way I do it, that will get me in the end.
There is was again, whats driving the boat? I have been so entitled about my “I deserve this” crap that I really wasn’t resting to begin with I was nursing resentments, perfecting my judgments and manifesting more areas of guilt. So, if you want something different you have to DO something different. ACTION changes me not thinking or saying again and again.
Facebook crack is a front to whats underneath. What was/is driving the boat? lack of being, one of my core things I run up against all the time. I’m more prone to injury this way, more prone to not being able to remember things and much more prone to heaping shame and guilt on to my self about everything. I don’t let things go easily because I’m not fully connected to the process anyway. How do I change that? Its easy. STOP, CONNECT, BREATH. I used to do this meditation that only took a couple minuets where I would put my feet flat to the floor, my eyes closed and my hand on my abdomen. And with every breath I would envision roots growing from my feet into the floor. And the more I breathed the deeper and deeper they went. I would do that until I couldn’t stand it any more or I felt better.

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Being a stay at home mom I can not unplug completely. I was not meant to live my life independently from my people. I was meant to live it interdependently, meaning keeping a healthy balance of YOU and ME in my life. Saving Facebook time for the morning and evening when my babies are sleeping. I’m still texting and calling people because I need that connection. Being alone with me all day and two kids, not a good situation. It was never meant to be that way any way.

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